


Between Them and Me (There’s You)

by RighteousRiot



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And just have to hold each other, Angst, Boys that sometimes have hard nights, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 00:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15107948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RighteousRiot/pseuds/RighteousRiot
Summary: Some nights are worse than others. Some problems don’t have a good solution. Some times we just have to wait for the next day to come.





	Between Them and Me (There’s You)

**Author's Note:**

> I swear to god, this was literally supposed to be a shower sex PWP. Instead it’s an attempt to kind of...explore how depression can feel. At times nothing more than unexplained sadness. Hopefully we’re all lucky enough to have someone to get us through those nights.

The apartment is quiet when Bucky gets back. Only a few lights shine against the invading shadows, the dim lamp above the stove left on just for him and the soft glow of the bathroom light filtering from under the door. The rest dark, almost cold. Almost unlived in. Bucky sighs gently to himself as he moves further into the apartment, weaving around furniture and wondering what kind of state he’s going to find Steve in. 

The thing is, they aren’t always the best at sharing, not even with each other. Sure they’re close. Of course they are. Codependency rides Bucky hard, like Steve holds the only key to keep his blood pumping and he knows that Steve feels the same. But when it comes to the vulnerable part, to letting themselves be cared for by the other...well, they aren’t the best. 

Reaching the bathroom door, Bucky contemplates knocking first before he decides to just go right in. There isn’t much to hide anymore and if Steve is in the kind of mood he suspects, he wouldn’t willingly let Bucky in with him anyway. Steam billows out immediately, the damp humidity hitting Bucky like a punch to the face. It’s been awhile, then. Steve has been in here for a least an hour, the shower cranked up to full heat. 

Bucky steps past the crumpled heap of Steve’s discarded clothes and stands by the shower curtain for just a moment. The fact that Steve hasn’t heard him yet, hasn’t reacted or called out, is especially troubling. It means that Steve is really deep inside himself, really checked out. 

“Shit.” Bucky mumbles to himself, feeling his heart clench. 

The affect of that one word, just enough to break the smothering silence, is immediate. There’s a sharp squeak from inside the shower stall, as if Steve had suddenly lost his footing and the curtain is yanked back, near off its hooks. 

“Hey sweetheart, hey.” Bucky soothes, his voice barely above a whisper. “I just got home...been looking for you through the whole house.” A lie. But it sounded better, just then. Better then the truth. The ‘Did you leave the bed the whole time I was gone, Stevie? Did you even bother to eat? Why’re you so sad?’ 

And the biggest question of them all, the one that yawned up from the darkest insecurity in Bucky’s heart. The ‘Why can’t I make you better?’ 

Normally by now Steve would be all over Bucky’s case, righteous disapprove on his face as he lectured about sneaking around and popping up unannounced. ‘You’re gonna make me crack my head open.’ He’d say, big blue eyes all wide with sincerity. But now all he does is stump back against the shower wall, his shoulders rounding in like it’s still possible for him to ever look small and glance up at Bucky from under those long sandy lashes. Water dripped off the tips, running down his face like tears. 

‘Mixing with tears, most likely.’ Bucky thought to himself. It was that and the way Steve’s fingers kept twitching against his thighs, like he wanted to reach out but couldn’t bring himself to cross the distance, that finally had Bucky peeling off his shirt. He shucked his jeans in a few quick movements, toed off his socks and stepped into the stall, immediately gathering Steve against him. 

As soon as Steve has his face pressed against Bucky’s neck, he used one hand to run soothingly up and down his back, to anchor Steve close and the other to subtly turn down the shower’s burning temp. Steve’s fingers were sharp points against his side, digging bruise deep and his breaths were coming in quick gasps, chest rising and falling quicker than seemed safe for even someone as hale and healthy as Steve. 

Bucky crowded him into the corner of the shower and held on for just a few seconds more before gently pushing him back, just a bit. Just enough that he could reach a finger under Steve’s chin, force him to look up and into Bucky’s face directly. 

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” He asked, trying to keep his voice light. “Ain’t you happy to see me? Ain’t I even gonna get a smile? Huh? C’mon Stevie, I been gone for three whole days and I just wanna see that smile. My best guy with the prettiest grin in the whole city...let’s see it, huh? C’mon baby.” Bucky offered up his own encouraging smile and rubbed his thumbs along Steve’s jawline. Felt the neglected scruff there. 

Steve gave a watery smile for Bucky’s troubles, the corners of his mouth trembling with the effort. “Buck.” He said, the single word cracking out of him. His eyes seemed clearer now, fever bright like he was finally seeing Bucky for the first time. Really seeing him. “Buck. I got cold and...came in here. Can’t. Can’t warm up. Feels like everything inside me is frozen up and I...” Fingers tightened reflexively as Steve struggled to get the words out. “I can’t thaw out.”

Bucky’s heart was breaking for Steve, for his love, for the way he always cycled back to this. Almost like clock work when Bucky left on solo missions, the feelings came back for Steve. The loneliness. The isolation. The icy touch of knowing you’re singled out, different, even in a room full of your closest peers. 

Bucky had his own battles when it was Steve’s turn to leave, his own versions of shutting down. But Steve, he kept himself so bottled up that moments like this, when he well and truly broke, it seemed harsher somehow. Like fate had snapped something rare and innocent between its thoughtless hands. 

“Alright, then, Stevie.” Bucky pushed his hands up through Steve’s hair, slicking the strands away from his forehead. “Let’s get you warmed up then, huh? Let’s get out of here, you’re clean enough, ain’t ya? Let’s go.” He shut the water off before Steve could answer and carefully stepped them both out of the stall. A few quick swipes with the towel and they were mostly dry and shuffling down the hall toward bed. 

Steve went compliantly, plopping down on the bed when Bucky pushed and curling over on his side almost immediately. Bucky kneed over him, stretching his body out gently beside Steve’s and pulled the other man close. Forced him out of his curl until their legs were tangled under the covers.

“This is warmer, isn’t it?” He asked. “Isn’t this better, sweetheart? What else do you need, huh? What’s my guy need?” 

This part was always a little harder. Steve didn’t like to talk, preferred to curl up and close his eyes. To lock those emotions back under the tight grip of his control. Until next time. And the time after. Until the day came that Bucky was sure Steve would crumple under the strain, just completely unravel until there was nothing left. So he broke out the big guns, whispered “Please” into Steve’s temple. “For me, Stevie. Let me help you.” 

And like a charm, like always, that worked. This time when Steve looked at him it was less fevered, instead creeping inches closer to his true self. “Could you just...” He curled a hand around Bucky’s neck, pulling him closer until he was laid half over Steve’s chest. “I just wanna feel you, Buck. You’re the only thing that warms me up and I just. Please. I can’t take this cold anymore.”

Bucky nods his head, moving immediately as if that was his cue. Hell, it was. He kissed Steve, softly at first, barely more than a touching of lips against each other. Steve’s breath hitched in his throat, anticipatory and Bucky pushed deeper, swiping his tongue into Steve’s mouth as he gasped. It wasn’t the most healthy way of coping, maybe. If didn’t solve the problem, seeking solace in each other’s bodies. It didn’t fix them. But sometimes it felt like all they had, the only real thing. And so they took it, again and again and relished in whatever temporary relief could be afforded. 

Bucky shifted his body further over Steve, felt his thighs part around him, felt himself settle into the cradle of Steve’s pelvis. Perfect fit, just like always. He rifled under the pillows, snatching up the half used bottle of slick and quickly wet his palm. Times like this rarely resulted in them going all the way. Later, maybe. When the doubts and the need and the worry weren’t so close to the surface. When it didn’t feel like a race to fix this, fix this, fix this lest things stay broken forever. 

Bucky reached between their bodies to take them both in hand, giving a couple quick tugs to spread the lube around. Then he settled back against Steve, hitching one of those strong legs back around his waist so that when they rocked together, everything was perfectly aligned. A deep groan rumbled up from Steve’s chest and his hands grasped at Bucky’s shoulders, hips straining up against the friction. 

“Ah!” Steve moaned. “Buck! Yes!” Hands moved from shoulders down to Bucky’s ass, pulling him in tighter. Harder. “Just like that.” He panted. “You’re the only one I’ve got. You’re the only one who...who...” A particularly hard twist of Bucky’s hips sent Steve’s voice stuttering off into a whimper. “You make the ice fade, Buck.” He said, when his voice was working again. “You make me warm. Loved. Bucky!” 

Steve came with a sudden shout, his abs tensing through the release. Bucky could feel the sweat of exertion beading along his hairline, the trembling of Steve’s muscles around him and the firebrand of his cum burning up against his skin. It was intoxicating. Overwhelming. It took only a few seconds more before Bucky followed Steve over, growling out his own release behind clenched teeth. He shook violently, felt lost in it, until just as suddenly the last wave crashed and he surfaced again. Eyes clearing to see Steve’s sleepy face below him, a small smile there, more real than the one from before. 

Bucky moved off of Steve, settling back beside him. He curled a hand back around his jaw and made Steve turn his face again. “You know I love you, right?” He asked, as he always did. “You know it’s okay to tell me when you you’re sad? It’s okay, Stevie. It’s okay.” 

Steve nodded, the barest movement against Bucky’s hand before he pressed in close. Tucked his face back in the crook of Bucky’s neck, where he’d stay for the rest of the night. Things were’t fixed, not really,but there would be no more words tonight to aid them along. 

They weren’t the best at this part. The vulnerability. The talking about things that made them feel raw and exposed. In the morning there would be more discussion. Prickly fights that led to hard admitted truths. But for now...it was just this. 

Warmth to help chase away the cold of night.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on tumblr!  
> http://righteousriot.tumblr.com/


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